Life is hard. Life is painful. Chances are you have had your share of heartache, dark days, & long sleepless nights. This month has been one of the hardest months of my life. Every day got harder and harder as December wore on. I would wake up each morning and just be heavy with dread and sorrow and fear. I felt like a branch of a tree heavy with ice and ready to split in two.
I think at those darkest points, you either decide to fight or just give up. I came REALLY close to giving up.
But I didn’t.
Instead I decided to take a good long hard look at myself and realized that I was part of the problem. I’ve been laying in bed day after night after day after night, taking pill after pill, treatment after treatment, and waiting for some dr to fix me. I will never reach remission if I don’t truly believe I will ever get well and keep telling myself surely I did something to deserve this, I’m defective, and a lost cause.
So I decided to finally do what I’ve been talking about doing for awhile and got off of the pain medications I have been taking for almost 2 years. I have been off of Dilaudid since December 11 and I will be off Tramadol January 1! I have been SO scared of my chronic pain that I have been hiding from it, letting it keep me depressed/scared, and dealing with A LOT of nasty side effects because I was afraid I couldn’t work/function without pain meds. I refuse to believe that the only options left for me are OxyContin or a spinal cord stimulator so it’s time for me to find other ways to deal with my pain.
I know this won’t be easy and there may rough days and nights ahead. Pain is draining and terrifying when it’s jagged and burning brightly inside you…but it doesn’t last forever, just like emotional pain.
I will also no longer use the words “sick” or discuss at length about my health. If you hear me say that word, remind me 🙂 Ask me how I’m doing not how I’m feeling. I am more than Lyme Disease or Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I choose to believe I WILL get better but even if I don’t, I will lead a happy productive life in spite of these challenges.
Someone in our family lost someone dear to her on Christmas. It has been a cruel reminder of how short life can be. So do what scares you, live how your heart tells you, and always believe things will get better…maybe not now but someday. Don’t live in fear of pain because it WILL happen but welcome it with open arms and know that in time the hurt will fade and hope will take it’s place.